Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
