ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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