I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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