Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Im part way to drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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