Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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