Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish you could order shots online.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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