guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
