You're a womanizer and a bitch.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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