he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
