It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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