We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Boobs are out for the taking
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
