were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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