standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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