maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
