he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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