Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
