i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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