I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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