I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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