My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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