Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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