Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
