I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
