I cannot find my penis.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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