I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
