My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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