my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
