Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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