I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Randomize
