the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Randomize
