i want to swaddle you in tequila
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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