I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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