Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
