I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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