My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Did I show you my penis last night?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
