Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
