Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
