would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
