So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
