whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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