I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
