I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Barsexuality is the new black.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
