I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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