I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The uberlube is also flammable
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
