Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The Olympian is in my bed
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
