Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
