put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
