Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
