i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize