And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
