I wish I could punch you in the face.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
