In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize