glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Randomize
