I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
