I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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