i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
