According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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