Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
