I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
