I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
