what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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