Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
