textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
