I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
