Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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