There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
did i walk over a car last night?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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