What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
