How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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