I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
