3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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