I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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